What gets you through times that take everything you’ve got?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009 at 01:42AM Today's post written by Chrysula Winegar
My baby son is sobbing in the next room. I’ve been rocking and shushing and singing and patting for over three hours. During the day, he’s charming, happy, his joyous little self. And every night for the past two weeks, around 1am, it begins.
I am at my wits end. He’s nine months old and has never yet slept through a whole night. My eldest daughter was like this. It took her until she was 20 months before I got more than a three-hour stretch. I’ve either been pregnant or had a night-waking infant ever since. So basically I haven’t slept for 7 years. You name it, with one of my kids I’ve tried it, so you can spare me the theories. I’ve tried very single solitary last approach.
There is no balance in seasons like these. There is no give and take, no ebb and flow. It doesn’t matter how many hours I was up with my child the next day. That client proposal still has to get out the door to win business. And then the business must be executed with creativity, exceptional service and focus. Simultaneously the other children’s needs must be met. Some basic home management and meals are required. Oh, and that person I love more than life itself – acknowledging his existence is always a good step. You know the list.
I happened upon Sarah Robinson’s blog, Maverick Mom this week where she writes about expecting the unexpected . As she headed into her day after a night much like mine, in the attempt to manage it all, she asks herself “What will make my life taste the sweetest today?” She makes her choices for those coming hours based on deep self-knowledge of her values and purpose, and acts accordingly.
I don’t always have that presence of mind in my exhaustion. By evening of the following day, I am cranky and grumpy and capable of a tantrum that would make any 3 yr old proud. But I do try to figure out what’s the most important thing I can accomplish that day, what matters the most. Sometimes it has to be the proposal. Sometimes it’s snuggles and stories and a movie in PJs. Sometimes it’s all of those things woven in and out of each other. There might not be much of a sense of balance. But there can be flow.
And here’s where I am grateful for a flexible professional life. Mother, blogger and flex-work recruiter Leanne Chase is keeping a list, and here’s mine for today. When this ends (and it always does), I can crash for an hour or two, and start over. Maybe even take a nap later (on those rare days I can engineer it).
How many times have you thought over and over in the midst of a crisis, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this” only to wake up the next morning or regroup at the end of a hard day having “done it”. Somehow you found the strength and maybe even noticed a little sweetness along the way.
I am wondering. What gets you through the days (nights) that take everything you’ve got? How do you regroup, start over and find your flow?
Love to the moon and back
(C) Copyright Chrysula Winegar
Find Chrysula at her blog or follow her on twitter
Reader Comments (8)
What a beautiful post, so honest and open. So true. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me today. Figuring out what's most important for each day - love that.
A wonderful read. And interestingly I'm having one of those days today...at 2am last night it seemed nothing would work out today and now I'm feeling like it's all going to be okay.
Thanks for sharing my story. It does help me through some of those impossible days to read my list and remember that "this too soon shall pass" and there are great days on the horizon.
Good luck with the little one and sleep. It is often elusive for mommies, at all ages.
Leanne
This was an article that I can certainly relate to. While I don't juggle work and a family, I do have the unique challenge of being a military wife. We are currently on our 5th deployment. My husband has been gone as many years as he's been home. During his absence it's up to me to run the household and try to be the best mom, and fill-in Dad that I can be. This deployment has been my most challenging. My husband left halfway through our third pregnancy.
My son, 8, is special needs, he has a joint disorder that affects his arms and required the amputation of both legs at the knee. He is the light of my life and always reminds me that nothing is impossible with enough determination.My oldest daughter is beautiful and headstrong.
My husband came home two days before our new arrival entered the world, and had to return to Iraq when she was only 2 weeks old. He left me with mastitis and a bladder infection. Both of the older kids were sick with stomach flus. To top it off the baby was colicky. Only two weeks post-op, and with little sleep, I wasn't sure if I had finally bitten off more than I could chew.
It has been a rollercoaster since. Our ceiling has been invaded by carpenter ants, who very literally are eating the cieling (they throw particles down). I recovered from the infections with antibiotic treatment....only to get a yeast infection in my breasts, which gave the baby a yeast rash. My son's wheelchair broke, and we are fighting the insurance for a new one. In the meantime I am usually seen pushing a stroller and pulling a wheelchair, in a desperate attempt to keep his wheels on.
The light shone a little when we figured out the baby has a milk protein allergy. Since cutting all the dairy I have a pretty happy baby at long last. While nursing is incredibly painful with the yeast, I am thankful that I am able to nurse. My little bundle has gained 2 lbs. 4 oz. and grew 3 1/4 inches in only a month, so I know I'm doing something right.
Sometimes I wonder if I can handle that next straw that would break the camel's back. I find a strange comfort in knowing that I don't have the luxury of falling apart. My kids depend on me to be everything, and they deserve it.
At the end of the long days and nights I think how fortunate I am to have 3 wonderful, loving kids and a husband who says I'm his hero. Who could ask for anything more?
Christal, you are my new hero. Wow. For a variety of reasons to do with employment and family, my husband worked and lived in a different city for almost a year and missed the birth of our last child by a few hours. So often during that time I wondered how military families survive with functioning marriages and emotionally healthy children and I give thanks for families like yours who sacrifice so much for the rest of us. Clearly you are doing way more than surviving; but rather thriving through a vast array of challenges.
I have a special needs nephew who's been fighting for his life over the last month (yet again) and am aware of at least some of what you bear with that added responsibility. The gift of James' smile is worth it over and over and over. I can see his face as I read about your son.
You have my prayers. And my gratitude for your raw, emotional and open thoughts on the realities of "doing it". I love "I find a strange comfort in knowing that I don't have the luxury of falling apart." So powerful. God bless.
As I told Chrysula, when I first read her post, I thought it was my life that she was talking about. I think many of us feel that way. Thank you again Chrysula for sharing your heart and a bit of your journey with us.
Rachel and Leanne, Thank you for your comment. I too need daily perspective of what is important!
Christal, Thank you for sharing! You are a hero. Thank you for your service to our country. You have given up so much for us! Bless you for your example. It's amazing when we feel like we can't do this any longer, the strength comes.
Love, to the moon and back! xoxo
Honestly, I generally start with peanut M&M's then add tears. When mentally present I send off a prayer. If I'm really smart I take a nap. At my house this means turning on a movie and laying down in front of the tv with the kids around me. I may do something very small that I can accomplish like read a friend's blog. ;) Then I remind myself of things like, 2.5 billion people on earth right now will never drink a glass of clean water and I try to be grateful for my first world traumas. Take a deep breath. Relax my shoulders. Get back to work.
I don't reach out for help, but today a friend noticed my puffy eyes at church. She asked another friend to watch her three children and picked me up for a walk/talk. Then the other friend came by with dinner for my family. Friends can definitely strengthen my weakness.
I really enjoyed and related to everyone's comments; after having a meltdown at church yesterday (due to doing WAY too much for 3 days/night in order to prepare to sell our house), I was blessed with friends who reached out, as was Donna, who called, emailed, invited us to dinner, offered prayers and blessings in my behalf. I am usually on top of the world (I smile as I write that), enjoying and living life to the fullest with my husband and 2 children. I don't live by any extended family, so my church congregation (which is small enough to know everyone) is my family and I am incredibly blessed by some new friends who recently moved here and they are women of caliber; grounded and open and loving. I feel really blessed to know them and be loved by them in such a short time; the admiration, they tell me is mutual, and so I know that God has sent me some kindred spirits with whom I can cry, laugh, cook, exercise, walk, and talk about being mothers. The most noble calling and position any of us will ever have. Working with God on a daily basis to raise His children, on loan to us, and how blessed we are.
A couple of other key things when overwhelmed: close the blinds, get in PJS, under the covers, hug a smaller pillow or hold the hand of your young child if they are asleep on your bed (or another non-crib), I go lay by them; I feel and hear their quick breaths and I am soothed by that breate; and the softness of their hands, and of how quiet and darling they look when asleep. As my children get older, I appreciate when they care for each other and go to the other end of the house and play quietly and have fun and turn off the ringer while I nap, preferably for as long as I can.
When only slightly overwhelmed or unbalanced, I go to (or teach) a fast paced (preferably kick boxing) class, sweat like crazy and sing my favorite disco songs and latin tunes with an added aerobic beat. Then add weights and I feel like getting strong this way is also helping me have more will power to live the life I want to live: health, wisdom, authenticity, creativity, boosting my talents and gaining new insights and abilities through study and prayer and through great networking (like this, on blogs) with friends and others. Exercise is the best 'high' out there and I can't recommend it enough; there are so many types, everyone can find something to beat stress, to feel strong, to feel powerful, sexy, capable, and free. This January, I plan to take a Performance Dance class (tap, hip hip and jazz) at a local county college and I can't wait. I'm 41 (not 21) and I love dancing. Always have. I'm making a space in my life (while my kids are at school) to do what I love and I can't wait!!
Thanks, Chrysula, for your sharing openly your thoughts. I wonder at how many women can relate (tons!) and how amazing it would be to physically gather together (in some giant football stadium) and talk in person and share and relate to one another. To hug, laugh, cry, and support one another. Women need women as much as children need parents. We know how to validate and nurture because God sent us here with those lovely qualities (not that it is easy to do when we are stressed, tired, worn out or upset) and I have such an appreciation for the long time friends I've had since high school (80s) and those I met in college and those I've met this month at church. It's such a beautiful part of life, for me, apart and second to my own family. THanks, again! ~Robyn Buckwalter www.robynandteds.blogspot.com
Hey, I entered one L O N G comment :) and it came up under another name. so i copied and pasted it in and changed it to say my name. can you somehow cut that first one out by the anonymous, Emily? :) Also, your comment on Sarah Robinson's article--i couldn't get to the link on her name or her article's name. Do you have another way to connect me with her? I'm wondering if she is the same Sarah Robinson (MD and mom of 5) who was my most admired friend and kindred spirit when we both lived in Manchester, NH a few years ago.... Thanks in advance!!